Senseless Loss

While attending a social event on January 10, I approached my close friend Rebecca. As I came near I saw that she was on the phone and was quite upset. She finished her conversation and turned to me. She said that she had something she wanted to tell me but it would likely ruin my evening.

I had been looking forward to the social as this was my first social since my surgery so I'm ashamed to say that my first reaction was to ask her to wait. But seeing that she was so upset and wanting to be there for her and not appear selfish I asked her to tell me now.

She took as deep breath and told me that one of the facilitators of our weekly trans support group had passed away in her sleep the previous night. Her fiance found her home in her bed that morning. She was such a dynamo and a force to be reckoned with. Young, pretty, always happy and very supportive of those that were being oppressed with a special focus on veterans and those dealing with Gender Identity Disorder (GID).

Spending some time on our cell phones Rebecca and I arranged a meeting at a coffee place with people from our support group that we could get together and grieve.

It hit me really hard at a time that I should have been intensely happy. There were other people in the pipeline at the time, including my friend Rebecca. As far as I know, I was the first and only person that had she had helped get through transition from male to female including surgery.

At her funeral today, the chapel was overflowing with people, to the point that the chapel had to use a video camera and display the service on televisions in remote rooms. There were people standing in the hallway and even outside. I even ran into a friend there that also knew her even though neither of us were aware that the other knew her! My friend had worked with her father for years!

I only got to see her one time after just just twelve days surgery due to the holiday break. The way her face lit up and the pride she felt for her part in helping with my transition will always hold a special memory for me.

Anatomically Correct Physical

I've had the same primary care physician for almost ten years. She was there for me as I battled cancer, depression and alcoholism. She was there for me as I embarked on my fitness plan and safe weight loss.

So when I first told her my intentions to transition in 2007, she was there for me yet again. After asking me what name she should call me, she immediately offered to change the name listed on my medical records. She also asked when I wanted to start hormone replacement therapy. I asked her to hold off on the name change until it was changed legally and changed on my insurance but she was welcome to address me with my new name and pronouns right away. She has done so without a single slip ever since.

Since it was a routine physical, I hadn't really planned on telling her that day, but after a few sessions with my therapist recently, the decision had already been made by me. The timing just seemed right. As a result, I walked out of her exam room with my first prescription for Vivelle DOT, an estrogen transdermal patch. The physical changes had finally begun!

Over a year later, I was back in her office again and able to show her the results of my surgeries 42 days after the fact. She was quite impressed with the results and how quickly it was healing!

She had told me previously that she had treated several trans patients, but I was the first that had followed it all the way through surgery.

A nice hug and I was on my way back to work.

Back at work and finally in alignment

Prior to surgery, I had envisioned ALL of the things I would be able to get done while recovering at home for over three full weeks

But for the first three to four weeks of recovery, I just didn't have the energy to do more than feed myself, do my required personal maintenance, get on the computer and watch television. All of those little projects that I had in the queue just had to wait.

I was finally starting to get into the swing of being able to work on those projects as long as I rested frequently by about New Years day, almost a month after surgery.

Perhaps it may be a little to early to go back to work as I still get tired very easily. But I have to to do what I have to do. I didn't want to "waste" valuable vacation days resting.

Once my "fuel tank" of energy has run out, there just isn't any reserve. Prior to surgery, my typical day started at 5am and ended around midnight. Days were spent working or playing and at least five to six evenings a week were spent out dancing, hanging out with friends or going to various social or support activities. Now a nap is a necessity and going to bed early is much more typical. When I'm done for the day, I'm OUT.

I was in reasonably good shape when it came time for surgery, certainly much better than I had been in 2005 prior to my Liposarcoma surgery to a remove a tumor from my thigh. And all in all, my recovery was better as well. I was out of it for almost ten weeks at that time!

My boss has been fantastic throughtout my transition. The timing of my surgery date right after Thanksgiving and my recovery during the Christmas holiday meant that I only had to use six vacation days. The rest was holidays or paid sick leave.

I had already established that working at home via Remote Desktop or on my laptop was feasible and had been doing that fairly regularly for the last couple of years. So it wasn't much of a stretch for him to allow me to ease back into work by coming in to the office for four hours in the morning and then working from home the rest of the day. This also greatly simplified my daily post surgery maintenance.

It has been REALLY wonderful to be able to focus on my work at hand and not spend every other thought on addressing my GID. I was finally just me and dealing with day to day, mid range and long term issues like many other women have done forever.

Finally in alignment

On the right foot

My first New Years Eve with all of the correct (yet still healing) parts was spent in my tiny apartment.

My mom has been very accepting of my transition, her concerns revolved around my happiness, my sobriety (4/11/2005), the impact on my daughter, my acceptance by society. One of her big concerns was that "I just wish you weren't so tall!". I would guess her height to be about 5 feet 5 inches, so at almost 6 feet, I have been much taller than her for years. She still doesn't like it when I wear heels around her because it accentuates the difference even more.

We spent the evening eating Chinese food, trying to make some configuration changes to my Home Theatere Home Computer (HTPC) (one of our shared hobbies) and watching a movie.

I'm still moving pretty slow and get tired really easily. There is still some serious healing that needs to happen and sitting on anything other than my recliner or laying in bed for more than a couple of hours is painful, even with the pillow.

Post Op Christmas

Three weeks and two days since I received the best (early) Christmas present I have ever received, I found myself celebrating the holiday without my genetic family.

I finally came out to my brother in July 2008. Since we typically only visit a few times a year, usually Thanksgiving, Christmas and his children's birthdays, it was fairly easy to conceal the details of my transition. He had been making comments about my hair and nail length for a few years, not realizing the implications.

Once I revealed my plans to him, his initial reaction was one of the typical ones, "I thought you were going to tell me you were gay." He seemed accepting at the time, but after returning home and discussing it with his wife, it became clear that they did not want me around presenting as my true self.

Once the commitment had been made to go full time and to have surgery, that was no longer an option.

No mention from them about my November birthday. No discussion of getting together for the holidays. And no response to any of my offers to discuss the issues with he or his family.

So I spent Christmas day with some members of the local trans community at a couples home. Each of us orphaned by our families.

The nice part was that everyone there wanted to make the best of the day and therefore there was none of the typical fighting, hurt feelings or misunderstandings that frequently disrupt many family gatherings, at least the ones that I have attended, heard about or seen parodied on television sitcoms.

Because I was so recently out of surgery, everyone made a special effort to cater to my every need. The love and happiness shared by everyone for not being alone that day did a lot to brighten my spirits.

Thank you my friends for inviting me to your home to share in the celebration and remembering the true meaning and intent that the holiday is intended to represent.

Dancing Again!

I'm sure I was pushing it when I attended a session of our private challenge level square dancing group on December 13, just 11 days after surgery.

The welcome and surprise on the faces of my fellow dancers and good friends was well worth it!

Listening and watching the new calls that were taught that day from the sidelines was not very comfortable sitting on my ever present pillow but well worth it.

Much to their surprise and mine as well, when it came down for the last tip, I stood up and got into position to dance. I made sure that everyone would be careful and patient and had a substitute standing by so that I could sit down in a hurry.

As it turns out, there was no need! I was able to "dance" for the entire tip (about ten minutes). I say "dance" because at the challenge level, it is more a matter of walking from position to position, seeing the formation, touching hands and moving to the next position.

It was still quite an accomplishment! After the session and saying my goodbyes, I carefully made my way back to my apartment for a much needed rest.

But at least I can still say I have 100% attendance!

Last update from Mark

My friend Mark wrote the following message to update people for me, Thank You Mark!

Howdy!

FIrst, let me apologize for not getting a status out the last couple of days, but as you can imagine, it's been busy between work, helping Jennifer, and believe it or not, helping her roommate in the hospital.  So, needless to say, my time was quite full.  

The last couple of days in the hospital saw great progress on Jennifer's part.  She was up and walking, eating well, taking showers, and on her computer, phone and getting better.  The progress is slower then she would like, however, it is excellent progress and she's doing and looking fantastic.  The nursing staff at the hospital, almost without exception, were fantastically nice and supportive.  They never kicked me out of Jennifer's room at 8PM, when visiting hours were over.  Tuesday night, I left at 8PM because I was just completely wiped out and exhausted and Jennifer was pretty much sleeping off the anesthesia.  Wednesday I stayed until 9:30PM, Thursday I stayed till 10:30PM, and Friday I stayed till 9PM.  So, to say they weren't wonderful would be an understatement.  They were always smiling, kind, and supporting of everyone there.

Today Jennifer checked out of the hospital and into the Morning After, which is a nice little bed and breakfast that has a 1 bedroom apartment that she's staying in.  There are other rooms, however, Jennifer just lucked out in getting the apartment.  It's very spacious and very comfortable and a nice change from the hospital.  And, get this, there's even an extra bed in the apartment for me to stay in tonight.  Unfortunately, I will be leaving tomorrow morning (Sunday).  The bed'n'breakfast is really nice and peaceful with nobody else here except for one of the girls' wife.  She has satellite TV which includes XM, plenty of overly processed food, so a trip to the grocery store rectified that problem, and she has a wonderfully comfortable chaise lounge to snuggle into with blankets on top.  It can be tough after a while, but pretty comfy none the less.

Jennifer's timing was fantastic!  She was the first person after Dr. Bower's vacation to start the process of surgeries (this past week was a busy one for Dr. Bowers).  As a result, she had her own room at the hospital until Thursday when Jessica joined her as her roommate.  Initially when she got  there, there weren't that many patients on the floor, so the nurses were able to really focus on Jennifer and not really get pulled too much in other directions.

Jennifer's spirits have been great.  Never once has she complained or made a fuss.  She's been a real trooper about dealing with the aches and pains.  When I would ask her how she was doing or how she felt, she would always be upbeat.  And, she would always find the strength to smile through it all.  Her desire to keep focusing on the positive steps is commendable.  One of the best things she did on Thursday was to do a little jig / dance.  I'm NOT kidding here.  She had made her way out of her bed and into a chair before I got there that morning.  She looked tired sitting there.  It was really nice to see her out of the bed and "up".  We talked and visited for a while before she took her first walk.  It wasn't far, just out of the room and down to the end of the hall just past the nursing station and back.  She walked slowly and steadily.  When we got back to the room, she got back in the bed and rested.  Later that day, she got back up again and needed to stretch and move a bit before her second walk (this time all the way to the cafeteria and gift shop and back).  We didn't stop at either one, but she made the full circuit.  So, as she gets up and starts stretching and moving for this second walk, she says look and she puts her hands up and shakes her hips a bit and said look, I'm dancing.  I just cracked up and knew she was doing well.  I know it was hard and she was in pain, but there she was dancing, even if slowly and just a little and smiling from ear to ear.  if ever I get sick, I want her there with me to help me stay focused on the good and not get stuck on the bad.  She's AMAZING!!!!!!!!  And, I'm sure you all know this!!!!!!

Thursday or Friday, I threatened to sing for Jennifer to entertain her, and as some of you know, that's a fate worse then fingernails on a chalkboard.  Well, needless to say, even I couldn't be that mean to her and make her suffer, so instead, I opted for poetry.  So, I quoted out loud to her:

"There once was a man from Nantucket"

to which her reply was:

"Who went to Trinidad and left his balls in a bucket" 

We both burst into laughter.  I even told Jennifer I was going to let you all know of HER"poetry "talents."  And, trust me, that one short poem was a much better thing to happen then my singing.  I think the nurses would have sedated me and thrown me out had I started singing.  We still laugh about it.

For as tough as this has been on Jennifer, I want to tell you how wonderfully gracious she has been to EVERYONE.  She's treated the nurses, the cleaning staff, me, Dr. Bowers, Carol (Dr. Bower's partner), and the other girls in the hospital with kindness and graciousness.  She's been stellar to EVERYONE.  The nurses even commented how wonderful she has been.  They said they've seen Drs, Lawyers, Teachers, etc... go through this and were some of the biggest babies whining and carrying on and even being demanding or just not very cooperative and nice.  They said that they wished all of their patients were like Jennifer.  So, needless to say, she really left an impression on the staff at the hospital.   Everyone's bent over backwards to make sure she was comfortable, taken care of, and always said hi with a big smile on their faces.  And, Carol even said that she told Dr. Bowers that something was wrong with Jennifer because she was always smiling, no matter what was going on (e.g., when the drive locked the keys in the car on the way down from the airport, at night, in the snow, and they had to wait an hour and a half for a locksmith.  Carol said that Jennifer just smiled and was as patient and nice as can be.  

Today, Saturday, was a great day and a nice and relaxing day.  The flowers in the apartment are fantastically beautiful and smell lovely.  The light comes into the apartment really well and just brightens up the place.  Jennifer had a slight headache at the hospital that just faded away when she got here.  I know I am leaving tomorrow (Sunday), and I also know Jennifer is going to do very well here in the apartment by herself.  But, really, she wont' be by herself.  Julie (one of the girls' wife) will be in/out during the day and Carol will be around as well.  I know Jennifer is a bit nervous, and I'm FULLY confident she'll do just perfectly fine.

Before going, and not to get too sappy here, I wanted to let you all know how wonderful an experience this has been for Jennifer.  She's got this incredible peaceful smile on her face and is just in heaven.  She has this energy about her that I've never seen before.  Yes, she's the same person we've always known, but it's different now.  Her smile is brighter, her laughter is sweeter, and she seems to be walking on clouds.  I don't think I've ever seen her so incredibly happy before, EVER!!!  I can't wait till all of you see it too.  And, one more thing, without all of your e-mails, flowers, phone calls, gifts, and most of all unconditional Love and support, Jennifer path would have been a rougher and more unpleasant journey.  That's not to say she didn't have some rough patches, but trust me, y'all have made it that much easier for her.  So, pat yourselves on the back and know that you were all an incredible part of her journey.  I've heard some really scary stories from some of the other girls and let me tell you, Jennifer is lucky to have each and everyone of you in her life supporting her all the way.

Let me close out my last status with a few great quotes from Maya Angelou:

• It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.
• Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope.
• There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
• The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.

Best to all,

--Mark